Marriage and Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) can have a major impact on relationships, particularly marriages and romantic relationships. Relationships in which either or both partners have BPD are often tumultuous, conflict-laden, and dysfunctional.

How BPD Affects Marriages and Romantic Relationships

People who have borderline personality disorder tend to have more tumultuous, chaotic romantic relationships. Such relationships are often marked by stress, conflict, and dysfunction.

Some of the ways that BPD can manifest in a relationship include:

• Oscillating between excessive demands for attention and a sudden withdrawal
• Severe fear of abandonment that leads to needy, clingy behaviors
• Lying and deception, often caused by the distorted perceptions people with BPD may hold
• Impulsive sexuality and other sexual problems
  

The more severe these symptoms are, the more significantly they impact a relationship. This can lead to problems maintaining relationships. Evidence suggests that people who have BPD tend to have a higher number of romantic relationships because their symptoms make it difficult to maintain a healthy relationship.

Borderline Personality Marriage Statistics

Longitudinal studies found that 70% of people with BPD had been married at some point in their lives. Follow-up research found that 32% of participants with BPD were currently married or living with a partner.

People with BPD do not have higher divorce rates than the general population. Divorce rates among those with BPD are comparable to the divorce rate for the average U.S. citizen. However, people with BPD may be less likely to remarry after a divorce and tend to have more romantic relationships in general compared to those without BPD.

On an interesting note, research suggests that people with borderline personality disorder who develop a substantial reduction in their symptoms (defined as recovering from BPD) are more likely than non-recovered people with BPD to marry and become a parent and less likely to divorce or lose custody of a child.

BPD and Marriage Quality

One way to judge whether being married to a person with BPD can be successful is by the divorce rate. Using this as a measure of "success," it appears that marriages that consist of a partner with BPD are no more or less successful than the average marriage. However, this does not take into account the quality of the marriage or the satisfaction of the partners.

Unfortunately, there is limited hard research data on the quality of marriages in which one person has BPD. Of the research done, one older study found a positive link between the severity of BPD symptoms and marital distress, perpetration of marital violence, and marital disruption.

There is more scientific data on romantic relationships and BPD which offers some potential insight. Research has shown that BPD symptoms are associated with greater chronic stress, more frequent conflicts, and less partner satisfaction in romantic relationships.

Furthermore, some experts believe the quality depends greatly on the personality of the non-BPD partner. Interestingly, there is research suggesting that people with BPD symptoms tend to marry partners who also report BPD symptoms—a phenomenon called assortative mating.

This phenomenon brings about concerns. It seems like it would be even more difficult to manage a relationship effectively and happily when not one but both partners have intense mood shifts, engage in impulsive behaviors, and possess an unhealthy sense of self—all symptoms of having BPD.

Tips for Managing Your Relationship

If one or both partners in a relationship have BPD, that doesn't mean the relationship is doomed to fail or become a source of stress. Taking the right steps can help minimize the negative impact on your relationship and help you maintain a healthy, satisfying connection with your partner. 

If you are in a relationship with someone who has BPD, strategies that can help include:

• Learn more about BPD so you can both be aware of the symptoms and how they might affect your relationship
• Work on healthy communication
• Don't have serious conversations when your partner is upset
• Don't blame behaviors on your partner's mental illness
• Take care of yourself
• Be supportive and empathetic

Types of therapy that can be particularly effective include dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) and mentalization-based therapy (MBT). These approaches can help you better understand your thought patterns, develop stronger interpersonal skills, and better tolerate feelings of distress.

There are no medications that have been approved to treat borderline personality disorder. Some medications may be prescribed to help you manage certain symptoms of your condition, such as depression, anger, and impulsivity.

Keep in Mind

The take-home message here is that even though divorce rates are not as high as one might expect in marriages where one person has BPD, being in a relationship with someone with BPD can still be particularly stressful and challenging.

This is why, in addition to the BPD partner getting treatment, it's a good idea to seek out marital or family therapy to keep the marriage, relationship, and family functioning intact.