Though this is not universal, survivor therapists often appear to be more fearful in general, which is not surprising given the neuropsychological complexities of trauma related disorders, and the fact that residual effects of trauma can last for many years. This fear is usually communicated to clients in one way or another despite the therapist‘s efforts to conceal it. Its effect is to preclude any real investigation of our own tendencies to lash out at others because we are more likely to hide those aspects of ourselves that we believe our therapist fears or dislikes. We want to be cared for and liked, and we also have a tendency to be caretakers ourselves, so any indication that our therapist is anxious or upset by something we revealed is likely to be met with a reluctance to disclose such information in the future.

This is a problem I encounter frequently on internet survivors’ forums, and I believe a contributing factor is that survivors who later become therapists often do so before they complete their own therapy, which makes them even more susceptible to vicarious traumatization. This is detrimental to both client and therapist. A fearful therapist who relies upon dissociation to avoid being triggered by the client’s material is not a better therapist because she has this “ability,“ she is an impaired therapist, and a therapist impaired by dissociation may have crucial lapses in judgment due to a failure to integrate thoughts, feelings, and experiences. She may feel discomfort or fear while conducting therapy with a particular client and believe it is due to an implicit perception of the client’s inner rage when in reality it is due to an unresolved issue of her own. Under those circumstances, any examination of the client’s behavior toward others is likely to be clouded by the therapist’s own issues which she mistakenly attributes to the client.

Gender Stereotypes

An additional factor leading to the failure to examine our own hurtful behavior is the misconception that abused girls become adults who internalize their anger and hurt themselves, and abused boys become externalizing adults who hurt others. While there is some validity to this, it is by no means an absolute truth. Yet this belief is perpetuated by survivors, therapists, and society in general and is often presented as an absolute truth. This is a dangerous practice, because it results in a tendency for female survivors and therapists to believe it is not necessary for us to look at the ways in which our behavior might be hurtful to others, and a tendency also to assume that as females, we are different because we do not identify with our abusers, who are commonly males. It offers us some relief because it absolves us of the anguish and shame associated with identification, and it leads us full circle to our original belief that we are incapable of hurting others due to knowing and experiencing the pain and terror of abuse.

But it may also lead to a serious problem: becoming trapped in the cycle of abuse by adopting the role of perpetual victim. It is not at all uncommon for female survivors of childhood abuse to become revictimized as adults. As children, we were not responsible for the abuse and our options were extremely limited. As adults, however, we often continue to place ourselves in situations and relationships that hold us hostage to those limitations because we don’t believe we play any role in being abused. But if we look closely at our own behavior in relationships with the help of a good therapist, and we are willing to be honest with ourselves, we usually discover that we make choices which keep us from getting out of the victim role. These patterns of behavior are frequently played out in most, if not all of our important relationships.

Many people, abused or not, fail to recognize that in every relationship, even abusive relationships, two people are responsible for what works and what doesn't work. Unfortunately, when people hear such a statement, they often interpret it as "blaming the victim" by making her responsible for someone else's decision to hurt her, but that's not what it means. It means that two people make independent decisions that impact each other, and if we don't understand how and why we came to those decisions, we're likely to use the same approach in another relationship, thus repeating an unsuccessful and harmful pattern of behavior in relationships unconsciously.