Conflict is a part of life for all families. Learning to choose our battles is one of the the most important lessons in life. It's a lesson that most of us learn as we grow older. If we can learn it earlier we will probably have a better life.
Research published in the May 2005 issue of the Journal of Gerontology: Psychological Sciences has found that older people are less likely than younger people to react aggressively when problems come up in their relationships.
Lead researcher Kira Birditt summarized the research this way in a University of Michigan press release: "Older people appear better able than younger people to pick their battles. When they're upset with others, older people are more likely to do nothing or to wait and see if things improve. Younger people, on the other hand, are more likely to argue and yell."
The researchers interviewed 187 men and women ages 13 to 99. Subject described the last upsetting situation they had encountered with their closest social partners, and with their most problematic social partners. They were then asked to think back to a recent time when they were irritated, hurt, or annoyed with that person; and asked how they handled the situation.
Younger people were more likely to shout, argue or walk away, while older people were more likely to do nothing. Older people also reported less frequent contact with their social partners and less distress when confronted with interpersonal problems. Even after the researchers controlled for frequency of contact and distress levels, the age differences in reactions to conflict remained.
The same team found a similar pattern in a larger study of 666 adults. In this study (to be published soon in the same journal) they found that older adults reported fewer interpersonal tensions, were less likely than younger adults to argue and more likely to do nothing in response to tensions.
Earlier research has already shown us that negative emotions mellow with age. These studies help us see that choosing our battles is a part of the process.
Reference: Kira S. Birditt and Karen L. Fingerman Do We Get Better at Picking Our Battles? Age Group Differences in Descriptions of Behavioral Reactions to Interpersonal Tensions J Gerontol B Psychol Sci Soc Sci 2005 60: P121-P128.
