OK, admit it. You hate the holidays, right? Who needs the shopping frenzy, the decorating pressures, the relatives, the cooking, the wrapping, the cleaning up?

Really, who needs the holidays?

We all do, says Temple University clinical psychologist Herb Rappaport. And if the holidays give you the blues, says Rappaport, it's time to take stock of what you want from them and act accordingly--and sometimes boldly--to make them your own.

"When we dread components of our lives, something is either wrong with the situation or the way we are approaching it," says Rappaport, author of Holiday Blues: Rediscovering the Art of Celebration (Running Press). "Holidays, like the rest of life, should be positive markers to anticipate with enthusiasm and optimism. They are to be anticipated as pauses. They force us to break away from routine and to focus on the celebration at hand.

"People need to be brave enough and imaginative enough to change things that don't make them happy,"continues Rappaport. "We have a culture with a lot of different value systems. And a lot of people don't really know what the holidays mean to them. We have the freedom to affect what we do at all times. The problem is that so much of our behavior seems automatic, when, in fact, there is so much room for greater personal control."

According to Rappaport, anxiety, depression, and frustration/anger are the most common problematic emotional responses to special occasions. And he admits that making changes during the holidays, given family pressures, isn't easy. But, he says, the rewards can be great.

"In a single meal, a family's strengths, foibles and skeletons can all be revealed," he says. "When people are caught up in the forces of families, adults start becoming like children. They're afraid of violating the norms.

"Traditions, if you feel in sync with them, are wonderful. And if it's a tradition you can abide by--if you're not miserable doing it--then keep it. But if it's not, then it's time to make changes."

While Rappaport outlines personality types that most often get the blues--from The Juggler to The Perfectionist to The Fixer to, yes, The Grinch--his book also offers what he dubs "Ten Commandments to Help Improve the Quality of Celebration." Among them:

• Embrace the holiday essence.
  
  "Emphasis and re-emphasis on the meaning of celebration takes energy and conviction."
   
• Exercise choice.
  
  "Decide whether to celebrate or how to celebrate."
   
• Exercise imagination.
  
  "Let the holidays become an opportunity to indulge the side of us which goes beyond the humdrum of everyday life."
   
• Be pro-active and implement change.
  
  "People become attached to their self-defeating behavior patterns, which is why the change process is not simple."
   
• Adjust expectations.
  
  "People who are constantly letdown by celebrations, who get the 'is that all there is?' feeling over and over, need to be reoriented to the celebration at hand."
   
• Be present.
  
  "Intentionally shut out all the interferences that are under your control. Allow enough time for the holiday to have meaning, rather than celebrating it 'on the fly.'"
   
• Practice altruism.
  
  "Try extending your generosity and energy to others. There is no better antidote for the self-absorption associated with holiday blues than to get outside yourself and consider the plight of others."
   
• Focus on relationships.
  
  "The key to making holidays successful is to understand and, as much as possible, accept the taste and needs of other people."
   
• Have patience.
  
  "It is important to think of celebration as a piece of art that can be worked and reworked until it represents the image we desire."
   
• Help.
  
  "Whether people seek the help of friends, family or a professional, they need to take action to implement changes, which is what is most important."

Rappaport, whose book was published last year, notes that people who get the holiday blues may have problems in other areas of their life as well.

"When someone becomes frantic at the thought of preparing a holiday meal or choosing the perfect Christmas gift," he says, "that same exacting behavior is likely to be present when he or she is at work, on vacation or at the supermarket."

Still, says Rappaport, holidays give us the chance to evaluate our lives and to make changes that even go beyond how we celebrate, what we buy or who we're with.

"People tend to use special occasions as personal markers," says Rappaport. "These milestones provide a blueprint for how we evaluate our lives over time--past, present and future.

"As families evolve and change, so does the nature of how we spend our holidays. What remains constant is the way the blend of love, commitment, energy and creativity has the power to turn occasions into precious times."

---Temple University

Back to The Science of Mental Health