Past
Forgetting: The True Story of My Memory Lost & Found
Hardcover, 288 Pages, HarperCollins Publishers, Incorporated,
September 1999
ISBN: 0060194308
Author: Robinson, Jill
What would life be like without memory? Can a marriage survive if you can't remember your husband's name, or recognize his face from one moment to the next? How does a writer define herself if her doctors tell her that she'll never be able to write again?
Here is the transcript of a live Online discussion with Jill Robinson held on October 15th, 1999. A seizure took her memory from her, but not her gift with words. You can also purchase the book at 30% off and read the full account.
| .............. Log on Fri Oct 15, 1999 ........... | |
| ............................ JillRobinson joined............. | |
| mentalhealthADM | Welcome Ms. Robinson! |
| JillRobinson | Well it is divine to be here and I am very excited. |
| JillRobinson | this is sort of like traveling through space |
| JillRobinson | with wings attached to my back and just talking into the air. |
| mentalhealthADM | My Host and the crowd don't seem to he here yet... |
| mentalhealthADM | I'd like to wait just a little and then formally introduce you. |
| JillRobinson | Okay |
| mentalhealthADM | I loved your book. I just finished it today. |
| JillRobinson | Well that is terrific! |
| JillRobinson | You are the first reader I absolutely don't know who hasn't been over eating potato pancakes at my house. |
| JillRobinson | No coaching whatsoever. |
| mentalhealthADM | It sounds like you are a wonderful cook |
| JillRobinson | Even when my memory was gone the cooking was right there. |
| JillRobinson | Because cooking like drawing and like dancing with my husband and other capivating things. |
| JillRobinson | Comes more from instinct. |
| mentalhealthADM | Are you in CA now? or England? |
| JillRobinson | I am in NYC now |
| JillRobinson | which is where I used to think you had to go if you were going to be a real writer. |
| mentalhealthADM | I'm in Virginia - so we're in sync |
| JillRobinson | I love Virginia |
| JillRobinson | I spent some wonderful times in Harrisonburg |
| mentalhealthADM | I have 2 daughters in Harrisonburg now - in college. |
| JillRobinson | and I love Williamsburg. I have a picture of me with my hand in stocks, so you imagine my memory is in pretty good shape if I was able to come up with that one. |
| mentalhealthADM | Wow - I live in Williamsburg |
| JillRobinson | Are they planning on being writers, as I love the sounds of fine southern prose. |
| JillRobinson | Williamsburg is such an elegant place |
| mentalhealthADM | One is an artist. |
| JillRobinson | and the land must be really beautiful right now. |
| JillRobinson | I started out to be an artist. |
| mentalhealthADM | I'm Leonard Holmes, Ph.D. I'm a clinical psychologist and the About.com Guide for Mental Health Resources. |
| JillRobinson | My mother was a painter and used to paint pictures of the Hollywood stars when you are posing for a picture, you really talk about yourself in an entirely different way. |
| mentalhealthADM | I'd like to welcome Jill Robinson to the chat tonight. Ms. Robinson has written several novels and has recently written the most engaging nonfiction book that I have read in a long time. |
| mentalhealthADM | The book Past Forgetting is the true story of Ms. Robinson's coma and the amnesia that followed. Ms. Robinson suffered an epileptic seizure and awoke sometime later in a hospital. |
| JillRobinson | It is almost like speaking, no it's than speaking to a psychologist, because if it a painter you don't expect any answer. |
| JillRobinson | This is all true Host. |
| JillRobinson | The book is the story of how I learned to write again, even though I had been told my several doctors that I would never be able to. |
| JillRobinson | I was a Fulbright Commissioner and I was able by working with several of the |
| JillRobinson | brightest students over in London to retrieve my own voice. |
| JillRobinson | I did it partly by reading aloud. |
| mentalhealthADM | She felt immediately attracted to the man who was in the room with for. He had no memory that this man was her husband. |
| mentalhealthADM | This fascinating story unfolds from that point. As we hear the ups and downs of Ms. Robinson's attempts to recover her memory, we also learn about memory. |
| mentalhealthADM | Ms. Robinson did not lose the ability to cook or the ability to write. What she did lose was memories for many years of her life, and the ability to put down new memories in the present. |
| Pat | page |
| mentalhealthADM | She drew on centuries of learning in rebuilding her memory. She also contacted some of the world's leading experts on memory, to aid her in her recovery. |
| mentalhealthADM | We learn about terms such as semantic memory and episodic memory from this very real life example. Past Forgetting is an excellent book for anyone wants to know more about memory. |
| JillRobinson | That all sounds fascinating to me.. |
| JillRobinson | And I even remember some of what you are talking about. One of the greatest sources of help for me was my |
| JillRobinson | husband's library of diaries which he had kept during all the years we were together. |
| JillRobinson | These restored to me almost twenty years of my past. |
| JillRobinson | His support and love and the exchanges that we have, that you see in the book |
| JillRobinson | make the book more a love story than a simply a detective journey, through memory archives. |
| mentalhealthADM | The title of your book - Past Forgetting - is a clever play on words. Can you tell us how you came up with it? |
| JillRobinson | My husband sang me the title, it comes from an old Noel Coward song. |
| JillRobinson | I'll see you again. |
| JillRobinson | The line is "I'll see you again, whenever spring breaks through again. Time may lay heavy between, but what has been is past forgetting." |
| JillRobinson | I suspect the song was written during one of the World Wars and think it was in a show of his about a couple that had been parted during the war. |
| JillRobinson | But of course for any couple that is deeply in love, a serious illness creates as profound a trial |
| JillRobinson | as a war. |
| JillRobinson | The one who is ill is often not aware of how much his or her mate is going through. |
| mentalhealthADM | I like the somewhat disjointed style of Past Forgetting. It seems to parallel the disjointed nature of your memory and it really gives us the feel for how you felt. Is that something you were conscious of as you wrote it? |
| JillRobinson | Thank you very much |
| JillRobinson | I am glad that you picked up on that and that you understood it. It was also |
| JillRobinson | understood by the reviewer for the Los Angeles Times. It takes a while and a very wise reader to understand . |
| JillRobinson | that I was working in a way, in another language. |
| JillRobinson | My husband's constant coaching and editing gave me the confidence to pursue this line of prose. |
| JillRobinson | I've always been a strong writer and a witty writer with an original voice, but I never would have had the courage to try |
| JillRobinson | this kind of adventure. |
| JillRobinson | Without my husband's support because he has a far more formal literary background and education than I do. |
| JillRobinson | I write he Says entirely by instinct. He calls, and I love him for his, "a Natural". |
| mentalhealthADM | A participant asked - Jill, what were some of the memories you were sad to remember and happy to remember |
| JillRobinson | The saddest memories, which came back slowing and with great pain, were the memories |
| JillRobinson | of the time I was still using speed and putting everything first, especially my drive for fame and attention. |
| JillRobinson | Ahead of my children |
| JillRobinson | My happiest memories were the moments here and there, when I was really present with them, and far back, memories of home when I was a little girl and of the politicalen |
| JillRobinson | political discussions around my parents dinner table.. |
| JillRobinson | For example having Gore Vidal coach me on the right subjects to speak about after dinner. |
| JillRobinson | Telling me no one wanted to hear about my little brother or sister, my dog or my friends at school. |
| mentalhealthADM | That's a happy memory? |
| JillRobinson | The right subjects - politics, which democratic canidates I really liked, who is the most interesting designer in Paris right now. |
| JillRobinson | and which was the movie star that I thought had the most distinctive style. |
| JillRobinson | Yes that was a Happy Memory. I loved as a child being regarded as a difficult but interesting young writer. |
| mentalhealthADM | Traveling to California to write the story for Vanity Fair seems to have been a milestone in your recovery of memory. How did this trip and this assignment help you? |
| JillRobinson | The very active traveling on my own and the fact that my husband trusted me to go, gave me new self confidence, |
| JillRobinson | a key to any healing process. |
| JillRobinson | Once there on my own, without the Merlinesque guidance of my husband, I was as much as a detective of my own past. |
| JillRobinson | as I was for the story I was sent to work on. |
| JillRobinson | I saw new aspects of my life because I was free of some old covers - memories that were just disguises for what really happened. |
| mentalhealthADM | It seems like you had a purpose - a clear goal - besides just recovering memory. |
| JillRobinson | Yes I did, it was to bring back the tension and |
| JillRobinson | edge that my best writing always had and I need now and then to be in LA to find that. |
| mentalhealthADM | disguises? |
| JillRobinson | disguises - |
| JillRobinson | until I |
| JillRobinson | really grew up, I was a very good |
| JillRobinson | hustler. The person I hustled most of all was myself, I would tell myself |
| JillRobinson | convincing stories which explain away situations I couldn't emotionally handle. |
| mentalhealthADM | A participant asked - Jill, how can you be sure that some of your memories now are not false memories? |
| JillRobinson | I think it's hard to say, cause I am a story teller, but they feel true to me |
| JillRobinson | and I am clearer about when I am embroidering and I am likely to tell you when I am.. |
| JillRobinson | But I don't usually embroider the emotional purpose, the part of the story |
| mentalhealthADM | You don't tell us the results of the tests that they did at the end of the book. Were they better able to localize the area of the brain involved in the seizures? Did that help? |
| JillRobinson | Yes they were able to localize it, which explained the kind of epilepsy I do have |
| JillRobinson | it is Temporal Lobe epilepsy and don't you remember i the end of the book, |
| mentalhealthADM | Yes - I guessed that ... |
| JillRobinson | Dr. Zilkha gave me the paper, whatever it was, which said that people with this kind |
| mentalhealthADM | from the nature of the seizure you describe |
| JillRobinson | epilepsy often have sexual imagery during their petits mals episodes |
| JillRobinson | which I had, unexplained, all during my childhood |
| JillRobinson | and which today would make clear what the problem was. |
| JillRobinson | And, here, I'd always thought I was just an exceptionally raunchy little kid |
| JillRobinson | indulging in adult abuse, undressing my parents friends in my imagination |
| JillRobinson | during their best dinner parties |
| mentalhealthADM | I bet that lifted a load from you |
| JillRobinson | It sure did |
| JillRobinson | Yes it did |
| JillRobinson | Do you work |
| JillRobinson | with epileptics and do you find that during particularly active |
| JillRobinson | periods when they are having more seizures, their dreams change? |
| mentalhealthADM | hmmm |
| mentalhealthADM | I don't work with them enough to be able to say - do you notice that? |
| JillRobinson | Yes I do, my dreams get more colorful |
| JillRobinson | and dangerous |
| JillRobinson | I know when I have a lot of driving onto Topanga Canyon dreams |
| JillRobinson | that I got to watch out |
| mentalhealthADM | wow - so it's a warning |
| JillRobinson | Because I am about to have some collision action in my brain. |
| JillRobinson | Right it is a warning. |
| Pat | Jill, do you have a special diet to help with memory recovery? |
| JillRobinson | Pat - no exactly, but now that I think about it |
| JillRobinson | I think the more vital and trim you keep your diet, like lots of fresh juices and vegetables and |
| JillRobinson | masses of proteins, I am no authority on that, but I know the less I eat the leaner I get |
| JillRobinson | and the sharper my mind |
| mentalhealthADM | What aspects of your experience might apply to survivors of childhood abuse who have sketchy memory for that period in their life? |
| JillRobinson | To not try to retrieve what you absolutely don't need. There is such a refined denial |
| JillRobinson | I don't go hunting for things to bother my life today. |
| JillRobinson | I live in today |
| JillRobinson | I do the next right thing |
| mentalhealthADM | How is your memory today? |
| JillRobinson | and I keep my eye on the line I love, which is I throw my heart over the bar and body and will follow. |
| JillRobinson | I mean by that, a trapeze bar |
| JillRobinson | My memory is absolutely super |
| mentalhealthADM | That's great! |
| JillRobinson | With some surprising lapses now and then, just to remind me |
| JillRobinson | how it once was. |
| JillRobinson | My husband has this thing, when I say I want to see a movie he doesn't want to see, |
| JillRobinson | he will say, We Saw It Last Night and lot of times I won't know. |
| Pat | Could these lapses happen when you are driving, for example, and forget where you're headed? |
| JillRobinson | Pat - I don't drive, but it can happen |
| JillRobinson | when I am walking somewhere |
| JillRobinson | and you just wait a moment and you ask someone where you are, they |
| JillRobinson | find it very amusing. I am often startled to find I am in a given city. |
| JillRobinson | But because I am a writer, it only makes life more interesting. |
| JillRobinson | My life is useful material. |
| JillRobinson | My life has always been the rough draft |
| mentalhealthADM | One last question - You refer to your husband's diaries in the book Past Forgetting. What did you learn from the diaries about his experience in dealing with a wife who had lost her memory? |
| JillRobinson | I found that they were very helpful and moving |
| JillRobinson | He brought me into the |
| JillRobinson | awareness of his loneliness life, because half his life was gone, because |
| JillRobinson | I no longer shared his memories, and I couldn't really confirm |
| JillRobinson | his understanding of me, because I had no understanding of myself and I had no awareness of all of who |
| JillRobinson | he was, because every day for many years, he was a brand new person |
| JillRobinson | who I had no relationship to, except that he was an atractive person at that moment |
| JillRobinson | It took a lot of faith |
| JillRobinson | and dedication |
| JillRobinson | and as he said, Passion for him to put up with me |
| mentalhealthADM | Thanks, Jill Robinson for being with us tonight. I will post the transcript and link to it so others can enjoy your wisdom and humor. |
| mentalhealthADM | It really is a great book! |
| JillRobinson | Thank you so very much, and I never dreamed |
| JillRobinson | that I would get such a clear sense of someone's presence |
| JillRobinson | it is like |
| JillRobinson | going off into space |
| JillRobinson | I might have said that, but I don't remember if I put it that way |
| mentalhealthADM | I have some articles on memory from the dissociation literatore on my site. you might be interested in them. |
| mentalhealthADM | literature |
| JillRobinson | But it is like winding up on a new planet and meeting a new friend. |
| JillRobinson | I love that, |
| JillRobinson | my |
| JillRobinson | I don't remember my email, but I would like to have you send papers to me, care of my publisher |
| JillRobinson | Matthew Guma at Harper Collins |
| mentalhealthADM | I'd be happy to |
| JillRobinson | It is on East 53rd Street, NYC |
| JillRobinson | I would be really grateful. |
| mentalhealthADM | The Borders people can probably connect me with him |
| JillRobinson | Please be sure to put your card in and I will write you a letter back |
| mentalhealthADM | My pleasure |
| JillRobinson | I am really grateful and enjoyed this enormously |
| Pat | Jill, I did also, thanks for sharing |
| JillRobinson | Goodnight |
| mentalhealthADM | It's not quite plugging your brain into email - but close |
| mentalhealthADM | good night |