The last year of high school can be rough on parents. Your son or daughter usually feels ready to be an independent adult, but they often don't act with the same maturity. If your son or daughter is ready to start college (or currently in college) you have an opportunity to help him or her become an adult. It can be a little tricky. Here are some tips that may help.
- Begin giving your son or daughter more freedom and responsibility several years before college. The independence that they experience in college will be less of a shock this way. Teenagers can be given more allowance, for example, but they can be expected to buy their own clothes out of this money. A summer job is also a great training ground.
- Allow your high school-aged son or daughter to visit a friend in college (and stay overnight). This gives them an opportunity to see what college life is like. Sure they may drink, but they will shortly be on their own 24 hours a day to make these decisions for themselves.
- Understand that rebellion is often part of the process of becoming an adult and establishing an independent identity. The limits that you set should become looser as your adolescent son or daughter moves toward adulthood.
- Be prepared for frantic or despondent telephone calls at times, and independence or even indifference at other times. College-age young adults have not yet established a solid identity as adults. During this time they often vacillate between extremes of dependence and independence.
- Be prepared to loosen the rules when your son or daughter returns from college break and stays in your house. They have made their own rules for months, staying out as late as they wanted. Don't treat them like they are still in high school. It may work to treat them like an adult guest in your home. You'd expect a guest to let you know when they will be returning, but you wouldn't question them in detail about their plans.
- Be sure to visit them at college if it is not too far away. Most colleges have "parents weekends" with planned activities. Allow them to choose a place to eat and some of the activities. It's their chance as young adults to host you and to show off their independence.
- Encourage your son or daughter to take advantage of support services that are usually available on campus. Most colleges have counseling centers staffed by mental health professionals, for example. Depression and anxiety are common during this time in life. Counseling is often short-term and young adults can make great strides during this time of transition in their lives.
- Work toward establishing an adult-to-adult relationship with your son or daughter. This may be difficult, especially if you never established such a relationship with your own parents. If you succeed you may be rewarded with ongoing close relationships that cause a minimum of headaches.
Last edited 11/4/05
