Anxiety Social Anxiety Disorder Living With How Can I Be More Assertive When I Have Social Anxiety? By Arlin Cuncic, MA Arlin Cuncic, MA Arlin Cuncic, MA, is the author of "Therapy in Focus: What to Expect from CBT for Social Anxiety Disorder" and "7 Weeks to Reduce Anxiety." She has a Master's degree in psychology. Learn about our editorial process Updated on November 02, 2023 Medically reviewed Verywell Mind articles are reviewed by board-certified physicians and mental healthcare professionals. Medical Reviewers confirm the content is thorough and accurate, reflecting the latest evidence-based research. Content is reviewed before publication and upon substantial updates. Learn more. by Rachel Goldman, PhD, FTOS Medically reviewed by Rachel Goldman, PhD, FTOS Rachel Goldman, PhD FTOS, is a licensed psychologist, clinical assistant professor, speaker, wellness expert specializing in eating behaviors, stress management, and health behavior change. Learn about our Medical Review Board Print Thomas Barwick / Getty Images Table of Contents View All Table of Contents What Is Assertive Communication? Being Assertive When You Have SAD The Importance of Being Assertive How to Be More Assertive Assertive Nonverbal Behavior Trending Videos Close this video player If you have social anxiety disorder (SAD), being assertive can feel like a struggle. We get it. Being upfront about our feelings and sharing them with others feels hard, to the point that we would just rather keep them to ourselves. The problem is people can't read our minds, so we will often find our needs going unmet—and we don't want that, right? At a Glance Assertiveness can feel daunting and difficult, especially for those of us with social anxiety disorder—but the good news is, it's still possible to communicate assertively. Being clear and honest about our needs, rather than assuming others can read our mind, using "I" statements, learning how to say no, and making sure our nonverbal communication speaks with confidence are some ways we can practice being assertive. Back Up, What Do You Mean By Assertive Communication? Assertive communication looks like the following: It is the straightforward and open expression of our needs, desires, thoughts, and feelings.Involves advocating for our own needs while still considering and respecting the needs of others.Involves the use of "I" statements, such as "I need some help preparing dinner for our guests this evening."It is a way of making sure our needs are met while still considering the needs of others. Being Assertive When You Have SAD If you live with social anxiety disorder, communicating assertively may feel uncomfortable at first. You have probably adopted a passive communication style that enables you to avoid conflict but leaves you feeling anxious, depressed, and helpless and causes frustration and discomfort to those around you. Learning to communicate assertively is not selfish; it's actually an effective way of negotiating social encounters. You may have misconceptions about what it means to be assertive. People who communicate assertively Are not pushy or obnoxious Do not step on the feelings of others to get what they want, as is the case with aggressive communication Instead, assertive communication involves expressing your feelings, needs, and desires in a nonjudgmental and nonthreatening way. Assertive communication can also be considered helpful to others, because you are giving clear information about what you need to be satisfied. By doing so in a nonthreatening manner, you give others the opportunity to refuse your requests if your needs conflict with their needs. The Importance of Being Assertive Still not sure if assertive communication is the way to go? Consider that most of your daily encounters will be with people who are communicating and behaving assertively. They are telling you what they need from you and expecting you to refuse if their needs conflict with yours. If a request is too large or too difficult, it's up to you to communicate why you can't comply. By the same token, others expect you to tell them what you need. Instead of expecting others to read your mind, or hoping that they will guess what you want, try being clear, honest, and open about your needs. Assertiveness Can Improve Your Relationships—Here's How How to Be More Assertive Assertive statements generally begin with the word "I" and directly express what you are thinking or feeling. Don't get us wrong: Being assertive doesn't mean stepping on the toes of others or berating them. The goal of being assertive is to negotiate social situations in a way that benefits everyone. Some examples of assertive statements: "I enjoyed talking with you.""I like to watch horror movies.""I feel hurt that you talked about me behind my back.""I know that the children come first, but I feel sad that we don't spend any time alone." To speak assertively, put these pieces of the sentence together: Start with the word "I."Add a verb that describes what you are feeling (like, dislike, want, need, feel, love, hate, wish...)Finish the sentence to describe what it is that you are feeling ("I wish you would spend more time with me, I'm feeling very lonely"). Quick Tip Keep "you" out of the sentence, keep your emotions under control, and just share what you are feeling. Try it again: I.. can't... help you with that task because my calendar is full. See, it doesn't have to be overly thought out or complicated! It's about being direct and expressing your needs. Once you start to do it regularly, it will feel more natural. It's especially important for you to learn how to say no, as this can be an area in which those with social anxiety struggle. How to Be More Assertive Assertive Nonverbal Behavior In addition to what you say, your nonverbal communication can also be passive, assertive, or aggressive. Read each of the following passages and see if you see the difference. "Jane keeps quiet and hopes everyone will guess what she wants. She speaks hesitantly with a weak voice, and gives up easily. She tends to look down or away, has poor posture, and keeps her head down. She fidgets a lot and nods in agreement no matter what is said." "Julie pays close attention to what is said around her, speaks with a strong relaxed voice, makes good eye contact, and stands up straight. She expresses concern and seeks out fairness in situations." "Jack is sarcastic and comes across like a know-it-all. He needs to win at all costs, speaks loudly, and stares at people. He tends to stand with his feet apart and his hands on his hips. He also likes to point his finger and move abruptly." Your goal should be to emulate the second style—that of Julie—which reflects asserttive nonverbal behavior. What This Means For You The next time that you are feeling angry or resentful, consider how you are communicating. By learning to be more assertive, you will reduce anxiety and improve your relationships with others. What's Your Communication Style? Take the Quiz and Find Out Sources Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy. Anxiety BC. Effective Communication: Improving Your Social Skills. Markway BG, Carmin CN, Pollard CA, Flynn T. Dying of Embarrassment: Help for Social Anxiety & Phobia. Oakland, CA: Harbinger; 1992. Smith, M. J. (1975). When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. United States: The Dial Press. Social Anxiety Institute. Acting Assertively. University of Wisconsin. Non-verbal assertive behaviors. By Arlin Cuncic, MA Arlin Cuncic, MA, is the author of "Therapy in Focus: What to Expect from CBT for Social Anxiety Disorder" and "7 Weeks to Reduce Anxiety." She has a Master's degree in psychology. See Our Editorial Process Meet Our Review Board Share Feedback Was this page helpful? Thanks for your feedback! What is your feedback? Helpful Report an Error Other Submit